Preparing to Leave
If you do decide to leave your partner, it is best if you can plan this carefully. Sometimes abusers will increase their violence if they suspect you are thinking of leaving, and will continue to do so after you have left, so this can be a particularly dangerous time for you. It’s important to remember that ending the relationship will not necessarily end the abuse.
Plan to leave at a time you know your partner will not be around. Try to take everything you will need with you, including any important documents relating to yourself and your children, as you may not be able to return later. Take your children with you, otherwise it may be difficult or impossible to have them living with you in future. If they are at school, make sure that all your children's teachers know what the situation is, and who will be collecting the children in future.
Thinking about leaving and making the decision to leave can be a long process. Planning it doesn't mean you have to carry it through immediately - or at all. But it may help to be able to consider all the options and think about how you could overcome the difficulties involved. If at all possible, try to set aside a small amount of money each week, or even open a separate bank account.
What to Pack
Ideally, you need to take all the following items with you if you leave. Some of these items you can try to keep with you at all times; others you may be able to pack in your 'emergency bag'.
- Birth certificates for you and your children.
- Passports (including passports for all your children), visas and work permits
- Money, bankbooks, cheque book and credit and debit cards.
- Keys for house, car, and place of work. You could get an extra set of keys cut, and put them in your emergency bag.
- Driving licence (if you have one) and car registration documents, if applicable
- Prescribed medication.
- Copies of documents relating to your housing tenure (for example, mortgage details or lease and rental agreements).
- Insurance documents, including national insurance number.
- Address book.
- Family photographs, your diary, jewellery, small items of sentimental value.
- Clothing and toiletries for you and your children.
- Your children's favourite small toys.
- You should also take any documentation relating to the abuse - e.g. police reports, court orders such as injunctions and restraining orders, and copies of medical records if you have them.
Protecting Yourself After You Leave
If you leave your partner because of abuse, you may not want people to know the reason you left. It is your decision whether or not you tell people that you have suffered domestic violence; but if you believe you may still be at risk, it might increase your safety if you tell your family and friends, your children's school, and your employer or college what is happening, so that they do not inadvertently give out any information to your ex-partner. They will also be more prepared and better able to help you in an emergency.
If you have left home, but are staying in the same town or area, these are some of the ways in which you might be able to increase your safety:
- If you have any regular appointments that your partner knows about try to change your appointment time and/or the location of the appointment
- Try to avoid any places, such as shops, banks, cafes, that you used to use when you were together
- Try to alter your routines as much as you can
- Try not to place yourself in a vulnerable position or isolate yourself
- Try to choose a safe route, or alter the route you take or the form of transport you use, when approaching or leaving places you cannot avoid such as your place or work or your children’s school
- Tell your children's school, nursery or childminder what has happened, and let them know who will pick them up. Make sure they do not release the children to anyone else, or give your new address or telephone number to anyone. (You may want to establish a password with them, and give them copies of any court orders, if you have them.)
- Consider telling your employer or others at your place of work, particularly if you think your partner may try to contact you there
- If you have moved away from your area, and don't want your abuser to know where you are, then you need to take particular care with anything that may indicate your location, for example your mobile phone (a partner may be able to access the records from the phone company) or a credit card that you share jointly with a partner
- Talk to your children about the need to keep your address and location confidential.